How to do a photo shoot with a big belly

First you need a green screen.

That's the big blank background they use in Hollywood to produce the bad sci-fi flicks. They resort to this when there’s no other option. When they know they’re going to need a lot of post-op reconstruction. When there’s nothing in this natural world that can suffice.

Then you need a bike stand or a best boy to hold you up. You could do an extended track stand, but you’d have to be an expert trials rider to last for the duration of the shoot. The photographers always claim it will “only take about an hour”. That really means it will be all day. With no bathroom breaks.


Marla's photo shoot.

Now you have your distended belly to deal with. You find the most slimming black wrap available, and you squeeze into last year’s team jersey custom-designed for the team mascott. Last year our mascott was a hippo.

Not really. We’ve never had a team mascott but we should. I should write a blog about team mascots. Maybe next week.

And finally you need to balance on the bike and make the face that you make when you’re riding. You must constantly bug the photographer to dim the lighting, and shoot from the front. Or from the ceiling. Those profile shots are inoperable, you remind him. No version of Photoshop can delete that middle half.

This advice really only applies to either pregnant people or big time pro roadies right after they retire.

Of course, next year those pro roadies will still be retired, but I won’t be pregnant.